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It's so much easier to type here...not as many distractions, the comfort and security of my home from childhood. It was a very good childhood which is both positive and negative; positive for all the normal reasons and negative because it's tough to blame all my adult problems on my very good, healthy, functional childhood. With the warmth of a sleeping dog at my feet, I can type to the rhythm of his breathing; it's soothing. Sometimes it's good to take a vacation and just come home.
But of course when I do get here, that means he's only a few blocks away. And sometimes it's difficult to believe we're so close yet still there's this distance between us. Everyone I know asks what we are to each other, people roll their eyes and say, him again? My dad says, what are you gaining from this relationship? People who don't know us other than the bad stuff we've recounted, ask why do we even bother? He calls us friends, but do I consider him a friend? I don't know. I think that's the problem I've had for years. I don't know why he came into my life; only to confuse every relationship I've ever had? Have I really let him dictate my love life? Why?! Haven't I outgrown him? Don't I already know this? He's still stuck in the past; still afraid of something that he doesn't know how to recognize.
I've felt something similar before with others, but not exactly the same; with him it's different. Why do I let him convince me that this is the real thing, that it's any different than something that just feels good when you have it and when it's gone, you miss it but it didn't really add anything to your life. Like a drug.
Can I really call him- the first boy I ever loved- a drug, an addiction? Why am I so sure that he is the first and the last one to love? Does he treat me the best way I want to be treated? Have we had good times but also many bad ones? Isn't it time to let all the bad times go? If I can, shouldn't he be able to as well? I am fixated on keeping him in my life, but for what? What good does it do me? There's instant gratification of course. But friendship and love equal more than instant gratification. We are able to have good conversation. They are few and far between, however. There is so much potential; you can actually see the potential as we sit across from each other. Our eyes lock and there is a moment shared; a moment deeper than, "I want you now." And we both know it when it happens. We have an understanding, something that develops over time. But is it love? How the hell do I know? I know I don't know how to describe it. People always said love is indescribable. I also know I have, for the most part, for most of the time I've known him, put in effort and time and love and support and have refused to let go. But is that more of an obsession than a love? Who is here to answer these questions? Where are the experts? Wouldn't Greg tell me He's Just Not That Into Me? Would Maureen Dowd ask me to ask myself whether he's necessary at all? Or is he more complicated than a book can explain? Do the two of us together have emotions that are just too complex to understand and define? Are we filed under a subtle shade of grey in an otherwise black and white issue? What makes us so special?
But of course when I do get here, that means he's only a few blocks away. And sometimes it's difficult to believe we're so close yet still there's this distance between us. Everyone I know asks what we are to each other, people roll their eyes and say, him again? My dad says, what are you gaining from this relationship? People who don't know us other than the bad stuff we've recounted, ask why do we even bother? He calls us friends, but do I consider him a friend? I don't know. I think that's the problem I've had for years. I don't know why he came into my life; only to confuse every relationship I've ever had? Have I really let him dictate my love life? Why?! Haven't I outgrown him? Don't I already know this? He's still stuck in the past; still afraid of something that he doesn't know how to recognize.
I've felt something similar before with others, but not exactly the same; with him it's different. Why do I let him convince me that this is the real thing, that it's any different than something that just feels good when you have it and when it's gone, you miss it but it didn't really add anything to your life. Like a drug.
Can I really call him- the first boy I ever loved- a drug, an addiction? Why am I so sure that he is the first and the last one to love? Does he treat me the best way I want to be treated? Have we had good times but also many bad ones? Isn't it time to let all the bad times go? If I can, shouldn't he be able to as well? I am fixated on keeping him in my life, but for what? What good does it do me? There's instant gratification of course. But friendship and love equal more than instant gratification. We are able to have good conversation. They are few and far between, however. There is so much potential; you can actually see the potential as we sit across from each other. Our eyes lock and there is a moment shared; a moment deeper than, "I want you now." And we both know it when it happens. We have an understanding, something that develops over time. But is it love? How the hell do I know? I know I don't know how to describe it. People always said love is indescribable. I also know I have, for the most part, for most of the time I've known him, put in effort and time and love and support and have refused to let go. But is that more of an obsession than a love? Who is here to answer these questions? Where are the experts? Wouldn't Greg tell me He's Just Not That Into Me? Would Maureen Dowd ask me to ask myself whether he's necessary at all? Or is he more complicated than a book can explain? Do the two of us together have emotions that are just too complex to understand and define? Are we filed under a subtle shade of grey in an otherwise black and white issue? What makes us so special?
posted by Janna at 8:10 AM
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